It all started 5 years ago. They were just dreams back then. My friends and family members came in my dreams. Once every few weeks, one of them died in remarkably new ways. I could not control those dreams. But someone had to die. Then the frequency increased. They were dying more often. Every few days someone died.
In the next two years, it came to nearly every two days. Whenever and whatever dream I could remember, it was about dying. It scared me a lot! Waking up in the middle of the night. I started sleeping less. Not because of these dreams but I had started to find more things to do. Apparently, these death dreams decreased because I was no more sleeping regularly.
Early 2016, I started thinking about my friends and family members dying. Every day these thoughts would start coming up out of nowhere and then I would continue them. Someone died. Then, I again started sleeping less. I would be studying at night and instead of the dreams, the thoughts would come up. Someone would die. It was killing me now. But I did not share this with anyone except very few close friends. Only about the dreams, I never told anyone about the thoughts.
I never told anyone about the thoughts because I did not want to sound someone who wanted them (my friends) to die. I did not know if someone would understand that these thoughts came on their own, without my wishes. But there was a part of me who was not stopping these thoughts. It continued them till someone died. I was and I am too scared to tell my friends that I think of their death. And never can I say this to my family.
At the start of 2017, I was having the thoughts and I was feeling the pain of loss. It was then that I started to not even try to think to stop these thoughts. I let them flow. I would wait for the time that I was thinking about someone dying. This was because now I was feeling the pain of loss. I cried when the thought would end, when someone died. The dreams were rare now. It was all thoughts in which people died. Followed by a little cry.
By September 2017, I stopped having the dreams altogether. From around May to September was actually an emotionally happy period in my life. A lot of new friends I made and I love them, and the thoughts dried out. They were rare, as rare as once a week. But there were more and new people who died. I did not like that. I cried more.
From the start of October 2017, the dreams have returned. The thoughts have returned. People are dying in my dreams and thoughts. But I am not crying much now. There are no new people to die. Each one who has died once before is dying again. I am getting numb to these deaths in my dreams and thoughts. I wake up in the middle of the night and I cry for a second when the person dies in my thoughts, but I am numb to the feeling of the pain of loss.
I don’t really like this. But I can’t decide if I am the reason, if I actually like this, if I actually want someone to die, if I want to kill someone or not. What is this all about I don’t understand! I want to but I can’t.
Yes, I think of me killing myself which started 5 years ago too, which I think should prove why I am the one dying in some of the dreams, but why are other people dying? Why am I the killer in some of those dreams (rarely, but I am)?
I can’t really figure it out myself. I am confused like I am on other things. For every time I try to figure out a situation I am in, I have thoughts (not death, normal thoughts) and counter thoughts. They confuse me. I am writing a post on that too and hopefully publish it soon.
I am publishing this post to reach out for help. I can’t straight up talk to my friends and family for the reasons I have already stated above. So, I am writing it up and hopefully, someone helps (my friends always help!). But not just them because at some level they are all the same age as I am and they might have a lot of same problems, they have things to figure out too.