chaitanya : living a story, living a lie

i don’t know (part 1)

I wish I could explain a bit more clearly. I wish I could express this in real life. Maybe I don’t want to. It hurts me sometimes to just think this. And I don’t know if it would hurt you somehow or not. I wish I don’t hurt you. But I am not going to lie here. This is my recycle bin. I am actually just confused maybe. But I am still going to type it all. And this is just part one. Lol. I don’t know how many more parts I can write.

This has been on for a good 6-7 years now. And I don’t know how to stop. It is worse than quicksand. And it is not beautiful. Having so many friends is not beautiful. You can call it silly, just confusion, whatever. There are so many factions. And I keep on jumping from one faction to another. Traitor. Lol. Being with one group of friends actually cuts me off from others so bad it takes me days and weeks to recover. Maybe it is just me over thinking.

But this is what happens with me. In a single classroom, my life aim of being good friends with all is a big time failure. I know. Currently, jumping from 4 or 5 groups within my classroom to the one in the classroom next door, and then to the classroom to the left, and then to the right, and then with a new group of friends, I just made. Love them all. But I can’t keep up to it. Anywhere. I fear it now.

And then there are also my old friends, I rarely talk to them now. And I regret. I regret not keeping up with them. I don’t know why I was too scared to shake their hands when I met them after just a few months. And how scared I am to shake hands with friends I made just a week back. And with the one, I made just today.

I seriously think you are not understanding a single word. But don’t blame yourself, blame me for not putting it across properly. I wish I could explain to myself what I type. Lol. But I can’t.

I beg you to tell me. What am I doing wrong? Where do I lack when it comes to making friends and maintaining a healthy relationship with them? A healthy mad relationship.



2 responses to “i don’t know (part 1)”

  1. Idk too says:

    You are a good person. People who care, understand well what you go through and won’t judge you for it

  2. Shreya says:

    Don’t think about it too much. They know you mean no harm. If anything, consciously take the time out to text your old friends. You’ll be fine, dont worry.

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