chaitanya : living a story, living a lie

Ignoring Everything I Know

The internet is filled with blogs and websites which give you a new perspective of a problem you might be facing and also sometimes a solution for it. I go to this internet as well. Daily. Every hour. Hoping for a new perspective. And I get it too! I get the solution, maybe. And I just choose to ignore it. This mind is pretty messed up. But I have none to compare it to. So maybe it might not be messed up. Let’s just ignore this for now.

I don’t understand this world. Contradictions everywhere. I don’t want to anymore. But for years gone by I have ignored it while trying to understand it. And for the past four years, maybe my stomach got full of all the things I had ignored and they are coming back to hit me now. I can’t ignore the world now even if I try. Or even as much as I want to. Say, I make a final decision about the world and how I need to live it through it could be contradicted by me, myself. No help needed on that.

The average time taken by a thing to enter my mind is 0.1 second. Getting out? Well, to go in detail, a 1 square meter of the plastic sheet could get decomposed naturally (if possible, not good with science) 1000 times! That would be infinity if we talk in a human life span. Also, I can ignore things for the same period of time. Till the tanks full, which is now full. But as I can’t stop ignoring them, and I have no space for more.

I am ignoring my studies these days. “These days” pretty much refers to the last whole year. I never actually had any motivation ever to study, I had my reasons, but I contracted them soon enough. Well, life is weird and I hope you know this is my dumpster. I type what I can’t say. So yeah, I am really not into studies. I have been trying to find other things I could occupy myself so that I don’t die out of loneliness. Hence, I tried for the Students’ Council last year (would try again this year) and got the license for the TEDx events.I wish I could have existential crisis written on my forehead.

I wish I could have existential crisis written on my forehead. I am not finding a reason. I have not done anything which has helped someone, someway. I can’t ignore the fact that my life is meaningless.

Coming back to the point where I started this all, I read on the internet and I watch the Talks (big TED fan can’t deny that). But I ignore them all. Like deciding without trying that they won’t do me any good. I ignore people saying things about me, even if they are good, because well that’s what they say if you want to live in this world – ignore what people say. But that supposed to be for saying bad things, I doubt myself. I am not good. But people say so. It is a whirlpool. Maybe. Who knows? I don’t know, at least.

But I am happy. Even if my face does not say so. I won’t lie. But the amount of happiness that has been in me for the past 7 months could equal the amount of my life before that. Maybe ignoring is helping me. Or I am just happy with what has been happening and that I just want this for the rest of my life. Maybe I have ruined myself, my future – but this is not me talking. This is what the world might say. But the good thing is I am ignoring them. And I have the powers to do that. Even if my stomach’s full. Even if I throw up sometimes, the suicidal thoughts. Just thoughts. All the plans I have made sitting and all the conversations I have been making for the past 6 years, expecting them to come true. And they do. They do come true, someday sometime, one way or the other.

I am posting this anyway. There was a lot I thought of when I was talking the bath, but I forgot that. So that would be for another post. Someday. Sometime. If I don’t ignore it. Ok wait. By the way, I am habitual at ignoring things related to my future, college and studies. Just want to say Sorry for that. I know you care about me but I just don’t want this in my head, in me.



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