chaitanya : living a story, living a lie

Have you ever suffered from thought self-contradiction?

So you start thinking about something. And you are about to come to a conclusion. But then your brain stops you. Or maybe your heart stops you. Or some other body part stops you. And starts arguing with you. Like you make a decision. You know that is it. And just before executing it you again start questioning yourself. You start becoming an example of the word self-contradiction. If that is a word. Just when you start thinking positive about yourself and everything around you, you immediately start making more than hundred negative comments about yourself just because you don’t like yourself anymore.

You start liking this person and for just the sake of a stupid ideology, you start hating that person. Has this all ever happened with you? If yes! Welcome to the world of self-contradiction. If that is a world. You are happy as hell but then you start cursing yourself because you can’t just see yourself happy. Well, these are some day to day activities regularly go through. I conflict my own choices. I hate it. But I love it. Because it gives a sense of relief to me. I can’t really describe this relief. But sometimes it is painful.

I want to get rid of this. But it’s like a paradox. I can’t change who I am unless I want to, but whether I want to is part of who I am. No, I can’t make myself agree to one thing. I like to dance. I like to sing. Maybe, I even like to act. But I hate myself when I am doing this because it really does not feel myself. It feels like a puppet. No offence. I need a psychiatrist maybe.



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